Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
