my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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