I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize