Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
