As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The air was thick with penises
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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