I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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