Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
