i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
