Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
