You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
