Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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