Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize