My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
