"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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