Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So many bounce houses so little time
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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