Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
