don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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