you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
