Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
