Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
