Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize