Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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