The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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