made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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