every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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