Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
