she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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