I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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