I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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