Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
