There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
