Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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