we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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