Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
