God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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