Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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