so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
