If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
