This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
