im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize