she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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