My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How naked do you want me to be?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
