i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
