I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
