I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
