Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ketchup is God's man juice
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
