Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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