i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
