I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He has the fingertips of a God
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