Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
