Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize