I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
