Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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