New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
