Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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