im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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