I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
