I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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