Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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