The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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