No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
