New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
