Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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