Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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