Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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