Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize