Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
