Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize