my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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